I might have already mentioned before… I’m struggling to get back on the pole. It’s not that it’s hard, it’s just that I haven’t gotten back into it. How do you get back into something you used to love (and still do in your dreams)?
I signed up to a website that offers video tutorials by some of the most talented pole artists alive today. They cover a few other airy fields as well, which helps explain their name: Pole and Aerial. So, in the hopes of finally pushing myself back onto the pole, I watched one of their videos lessons aimed at helping people achieve box splits – the very thing I am aiming for. Better to start somewhere easy, right?
Felix Cane is one of the most incredible pole artists out there, and she covers quite a lot of ground on Pole and Aerial. Thing is, she’s making it all look simple – way too simple. I know how hard it is, and her ease with it all isn’t helping much. Luckily she is very upbeat and offers a lot of encouragement. I suppose she did start out at one time as well and wasn’t as incredible at it as she is now. Considering her age, however, I guess she started much earlier than I did.
It’s easy to find arguments to make me feel hopeless, isn’t it?
I’ve had a thing for hard work all my life. I was a workaholic when at school, and later on at university and at the various positions I held while finishing my degree. I’ve always believed that if you put your heart, mind, and physical effort into it – no matter what it is – you will come out on top, successful, happy, and content. So when I failed, tumbled, and cut my heart open a couple of years ago, I did not attribute my failure to outside factors (such as the rampant greed and selfishness that can be found amongst the general human population) but rather to my lack of hard work. Everything – and I mean everything, even what others did or failed to do – was my fault.
When the you-part is the source of your failure, it is easy to find yourself paralysed. It becomes hard to move, hard to move on, and hard to move out of the sense of worthlessness you have allowed to settle into your heart. The ifs, buts, why didn’t Is, and if onlys become part of your daily routine, your daily mantra, and soon enough everything starts to seem impossible.
What’s the point? isn’t a random question anymore, it becomes the driving force behind every move, or rather behind each failure to move, to do something, to reach further.
And soon enough what’s the point? becomes the central question to your very existence. Why bother when there is no point to any of it anyway?
I’ve struggled to get up in the morning because there didn’t seem to be a point to any of it. I’ve struggled to complete the most minute of tasks because I couldn’t see why I would bother. And sometimes, like today, I still struggle.
The Project was an incredible source of hope for me – even more than that, it was my life for a few years. While no sane person would pour their entire lives into one single project, I did. I realised my mistake in hindsight, but then that’s what hindsight is for, right?
I bring it up as my struggles with pole remind me of why I have become so resistant to doing things I used to love doing. I have a tendency to give myself wholeheartedly to things I believe in or enjoy, so when it doesn’t work out it hurts that much more. So I avoid the pain by not even starting. I suppose I have to learn to keep some distance between me and whatever it is that I am doing – learn to be a bit less attached to the end result and enjoy the process the way I prefer the actual act of traveling to arriving at any given destination.
It’s not the destination that matters, it’s what you do, learn, and enjoy while you’re en route. It’s not death, the ultimate destination, that should drive you but rather life, the ultimate journey.
Get back on that pole, girl!
You know it makes you happy.